Slipknot and the Evil Potato

OK, guys, you ready for the shoot? This is gonna be AWESOME with a capital EVERY DAMN LETTER in the word Awesome! Man, you're so scary! What's that? You some kind of undead killer zombie? Don't matter! I like it! And you there, you a killer clown, aren't you? Nice! And you in the back, the nose is a little too much, but the red face is spooooooky!

Just...

The guy in the middle there... Yes, you, Shorty. You stick a couple of chopsticks on Mr. Potato Head and he's still just Mr. Potato Head...

Rise Against: The Essence of Cool

OK, good. What've we got here... You, Crazy Eye, you the singer? OK. I need you in the center. Great. Now, when I say, "Cool," try to look cool. One, two, COOL!

Nope. Let's try that again. Maybe we should do this outdoors. Again, you have an image to maintain here. I'm not telling you to smear blood over your faces, but just try a little harder. You look like a Mormon and his wives.

Here's a good spot. Ready? One, two, COOL!

What the hell? Taylor Swift looks tougher than you! Come on, guys! Rock'n'Roll!

Seriously, guys?

Three Days Grace: We're Number One! (Come On! Get Your Hand Off Your Balls!)

Man... Remember those early days, when no one knew us or cared about us? We did some wild things, remember? Like that time we took a picture and Brad was playing with his balls? That was crazy! He was like, "I don't care. I'm gonna play with my balls! I'm in a rock band, and I'm gonna play with my balls. Hell, if I want to, I'll make YOU play with my balls!" Remember that?

OK. Now let's see how the new pictures came out.

Brad, are you serious? We're number one in the rock charts. We're trying to take it seriously here. Do you think you could leave your balls for five seconds? Well, another picture ruined. We have to go to the party. There'll be a lot of cameras there. Any way you can take a break from your balls?

Seriously? Two hands?

A Proud Mother Talks About Her Son's Band: Belsazar

--So, I heard your son was in a band!
--Yea...
--That's great. It's nice that he has something to do after school.
--Yea... I suppose...
--So? What do they sound like?
--Actually...
--I bet you go to every show and cheer him up from the front row.
--Look, it's...
--I bet you have tons of videos of his band playing, right?
--Actually, the one time I came over to see the band, I did start filming, but the singer got off the stage, took my camera and peed on it. And I know the kid! I've been to his Bar-Mitzvah and everything. Well let me tell you! If any of them ever pull a stunt like that again I swear I will not do their make up ever again!

Toto, I have the feeling we're not in IKEA anymore

This is Marduk. They're Swedish. And no, they're not joking.

--So, you ready for the photo? It's gonna be great. We've all painted our faces white and cut our chests with dull knives. Let's go!

--We're ready, Boss.

--Man... I'm in so much pain right now... Take the shirts off, and let's take that band photo!

--Yea, Boss... We prefer to leave our shirts on, if you don't mind. It's a little chilly here, you know?

--But people won't be able to see your bloody chests! Why cut your chests open if you're gonna cover yourselves with the shirts?

--Yea, Boss... We're good.

--You didn't cut your chests with dull knives, did you?

--Come on, Boss... People will see we're hardcore just from the white faces. I don't see why we have to cut our chests open and stand here in the freezing cold just--

--Pussies! OK. Let's take that photo. I feel a little weak...

Gert Jonnys: A Halloween Special

Because sometimes a post just writes itself, you know?

It might be unfair to compare truly evil bands like My Chemical Romance and Nickeleback to these Swedish yokels, but it also puts things in perspective. While American rock bands take themselves too seriously, and are guilty of creating horrible and pretentious music while posing in torn jeans and leather jackets in front of brick walls (which, if could talk, would do so over said bands' music), none of these horrible bands wear tiny green vests over pink shirts. And for that, at least today, I am grateful.

My Chemical Romance (or The Evolution of Douche)

I mean, just look at these douchebags. The singer looks twelve. What's with the guy behind him? I mean, Mr. Britpop. Trying to look like Jarvis Cocker? Really? Couldn't find a worse roll model? And speaking of gigantic old farts, what's the deal with Goatee in the back? Is he, like, the manager? Is he your daddy? Well, I guess I've seen in the picture above the height of douchiness. Good night, and good luck.

But wait! What the...

With or without bleached hair you look like a damn fool. And as for the others: Curly, I'm not even going to bother with you. But Drug Dealer managed to change from the asshole who looks at you funny because you drive a hybrid (was he angry because he was getting beaten up by his daddy for buying the wrong size trucknutz for his pickup?), to a douche with dark eyeliner. His poor father... Meanwhile, Britpop boy turned from Pulp to Suade. A pretty short distance. And finally, Big Goatee Douche has been replaced by some full-bearded dude with herpes. Nice.

But can they outdo this picture? Can they turn the douche-meter all the way to 11?

YES, WE CAN!